Missing my wit and sarcasm?
This blog was started in October 2014 and I have been afraid to publish it. I have constantly been making updates as my life has been changing constantly. I figure it is about time to see behind the curtain and enlighten you on what is going on in my life. Everything is italics will be updates from October 2014 to April 2015.
It’s time to come clean, make some confessions and let you know why I have been so AWOL and sporadic with my blog posts, facebook posts, twitter and other social media channels. Why does anyone care? No one probably does, but it will explain a lot and you will actually get inside the head of where I am and where I am heading.
2014 has been a very soul cleansing, traumatic, and turbulent year. Without getting into specific details about everything I’m going to give you a brief overview of the year. I can honestly say it has been a true test of my character and a test of how much weight one person can carry on their shoulders without breaking down or giving up.
This year I have been going through law suits in my business career, got divorced, parted ways with a woman I loved, my 9 yr old dog will be passing soon from an inoperable tumor and battled depression. However, I also rediscovered my passion for fitness, running mudruns or OCR races, met new friends and reconnected with old ones. I have been able to find positives in my life, I found that I can love again, have confidence in myself I thought I lost and believe I am as awesome as advertised!
Let’s start off with my brief bout of depression. At the beginning of the year for close to two months I had a bout of minor depression, I was in not by any means in a suicidal manner, but I did lose my motivation to do anything productive except sit on the couch and play video games. While I strongly believe depression is usually self-manifested and should be self-cured, mine was induced by the stress of financial means, unhappy in my marriage and sad over the disconnect of a loved one. Having to battle several lawsuits over business matters and finding the funds to do so was the key factor. This definitely led to me ruining several relationships and having a bad case of feeling sorry for myself. Fortunately, I had a WTF moment one day and got off my ass and did something about it.
What I learned was, if you need money, go make money and if you want someone in your life, just tell them and make it happen. So I did both and everything started to get better.
Not a great start to the year, but hey, there are 12 months right? So I also got divorced this year after 12 years of marriage. I am not going to get into a ton of detail over why or what happened, except that problems over the course of several years were finally too much to live a happy life. So I made the decision to walk away in order to find my happiness. I still hold a fondness for my ex-wife and she is a great person, unfortunately our problems could not be worked out and for all of the issues I had with her, I didn’t help them any by making decisions which affected the inability to live in a happy place. We remain amicable which I hold to be a good thing, I do wish her the best of luck in her future endeavors and I hope she is able to find the happiness I couldn’t provide to her any longer.
So I mentioned that I lost a woman that I loved and it was not my ex-wife. Yes I had an affair; I fell in love with this person and had planned on starting a new life with that person. While admitting this will bring out everyone judging me and/or holding disgust and character assassination, I honestly don’t care. If telling the truth for once brings your view of whom I really am to a place where you no longer want to associate yourself with me or not be a friend, then so be it. Without divulging too much information as to this relationship, I just want to say that it started as a frienship, then manifested into more. Why it manifested had a lot to do with what was not being provided at home and realizing that I could have the amazing relationship, friendship and intimate relationship with one person. So we continued to have an affair with understanding we would make the effort to be together. This was ultimately my own undoing, I took too long, I procrastinated and every fear or excuse I had for not doing everything earlier, in the end didn’t really matter. All my fears were just in my mind and I lost a great friendship.
So that sums up pretty much the negative parts of my year, why I have been so quiet over the past few years stems from not having the freedom to be as creative as I wanted without backlash of spending time in doing so. So my personal blog and other social media outlets have been pretty much put on hold.
Now for the good stuff, so not to come off as this is a woe is me blog, I felt it necessary to give a good back story of the first half of the year. Now I have to admit, going through a divorce and getting dumped by your girlfriend at the same time is pretty emotional, I was emotional for a bit, but then my new family helped me through it. One thing I have always done in my life is try to be fit and exercise. So according to all of the experts, investing in myself and working on making myself a better person is what the doctor ordered. So I reached out to my OCR friends, leaned on them to vent, to cry, and get advice. I have to say I have some amazing new friends who have opened up their lives to me and allowed me to not be alone.
In particular I met a wonderful beautiful woman who listened to my crying, talked me through it, was there for me when I needed a buddy and made sure I was not alone. Then the totally unexpected thing happened, my heart healed, it started beating again, I found passions in everything I always wanted, I saw a brand new life open up in front of my eyes. I will forever be thankful for that person coming into my life and changing my perspective on who I am and what I can be. They say that everything happens for a reason, while there are something’s in life I still question what the “reasons” were, I can honestly say that the reason I got divorced, and dumped by my girlfriend was so that I could meet her. It never would have happened otherwise.
Like a cut you get on your arm, eventually it heals, scabs over and maybe scars. The scar left will always be your story to tell, but once you are fully healed, you have full use of where that injury was. I have determined that the heart is the same way, what you may have thought was broken or damaged beyond repair, may not have been as severe as you imagined. While at the time I was devastated, I have now realized that my heart really was not broken but rather just sad, sad at all of the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s that were planned. Sad because I was scared to be alone and manage everything without a co-pilot there to help lead the way. Sadness is not as bad as a heart break. While yes I admit I was a mess for a few weeks, what I realized is that at the end of the day, when you have such a high regard for someone and you think that no one will ever measure up, you will be surprised what the universe will throw at you if you are patient enough.
What the universe threw at me was someone who had all of the qualities I wanted plus more. It took me a while to understand that impact of that, but I soon realized that when you do least expect it BAM! you get hit like a freight train. I don’t believe in the rebound relationship, because I think you can either be searching for that person who clicks with you for years, months or weeks, sometimes you have no control when they enter your life. The only thing is, you have to be willing to accept it and not be afraid of it. I am never afraid of it, I know heartbreak sucks and moving on can be difficult, but at the end of the day, I would rather “feel what it’s like to burn, than to feel nothing at all” sorta say. In other words, had I been resistant and hesitant, I would never have experienced half of the things I did. I would be sitting at home or worse yet have no fond memories otherwise. So I allowed myself to experience this person, take it all in and something amazing happened, my heart started beating again, I felt great about myself and in the end I felt ready to love again.
I know what you are going to say, you what? How on earth can you do that? Well, like I said I usually have my heart on my sleeve and when I think someone is so perfect in more ways than just physical, but mentally and also loves the same type of adventures, I ask, how can you not let yourself get absorbed in their essence? I have found that sometimes people enter your life and they maybe a permanent fixture or maybe they were just a stepping stone to get you back on the path you were meant to be on. In this case, while I let myself fall, it was not meant to be anything more than a stepping stone to where I needed to go. I can handle that, while as with most things that come to an end, it is sad to say goodbye, I am sure that just as I found something I wasn’t looking for, I have to believe that there is someone else who will be everything she was plus just a little bit more.
I tell my story to my friends and they all look at me like I am crazy, but I tell them, look, I met my ex-wife and within 3-months we were engaged and that lasted 13 years. It is all about timing, I wasn’t looking for anything back then, I was a single guy dating two other people at the time, but BAM! there it was again. I think as long as you are willing to just go with it, it can be great. Of course I have always been attracted to strong, independent women who feel like they don’t need a man. The trick is showing them it’s okay to let down your walls and let someone in and have them believe you’re not there to take advantage or strip them of their independence. Sometimes easier said than done. So 2-3 months of spending time with someone totally makes it possible to fall in love. It can be the first stages of love or it can be the “I want you forever” kind of love, you never know and you never will unless you just let yourself feel it and go with it and see what happens.
So I am at peace knowing I had another adventure I can tell people about and all of the new experiences I encountered. One funny note, I ate more sushi over the last couple months and actually enjoyed it than I did the past 12 years…true story.
Update: that last section was written prior to November. In November of 2014 I met another amazing woman. While attending a race in Texas I was introduced to someone who again changed the course of my life. Sometimes we set our goals both personal and professional, set our course on how to obtain those goals and get after it. Well I honestly had no intention of meeting someone, anyone for that matter. The racing season was wrapping down, the holidays were coming and I was busy mapping out my 2015 initiatives. Then again BAM! just like a Hurricane blowing through, I was caught up in a whirlwind of a romance.
Again this was not planned and certainly unexpected and definitely at times it felt too good to be true. Over the course of the next 4-months the relationship grew, memories were created and this time I did fall in love. For the first time in over 9 months, I told someone I loved them. With my whole heart and soul, I jumped in feet first not even looking at how deep the waters were. Were we a perfect match? Maybe not (but are any couples a perfect match? I’d like to think we were really close though), but it was a breath of fresh air to have someone want to go on adventures together, we ran together, planned racing together, and talked about what the future would hold for us. One of the best things was that we went snow skiing, my first time in over 20 years. I felt so alive and I had so much fun and I owe it all to this special person. Just like I felt on the slopes, she made me feel again what it was like to be alive.
Sadly, like most things in my life, this too has seemed to run its course. Sometimes you can’t force a square peg into a round hole and you just have to give up. But giving up does not mean that love is lost, I still love her dearly and maybe this just was not the right time for us. I am still head over heels in love and maybe someday there maybe another chapter in our book.
So, with that being said, I have also spent the past few months training harder than I ever had and I feel like I am in the best shape of my life. So I decided to travel and see the country again and meet new people and run races! Here is what I did this fall:
- Mudtitan in Florida
- Savage race in Dallas
- Spartan World Championships in Vermont
- Spartan Super – Chicago
- Spartan Sprint – Chicago
- The Bravest Race – Cancun, Mexico
- Spartan Super – Sacramento, CA
- Spartan Sprint – Sacramento, CA
- Spartan Beast – Glen Rose, TX
- Spartan Sprint – Glen Rose, TX
What a great couple of months! I had such a good time and now I am looking forward to the new year of racing and new races!
So that is pretty much me in a nutshell. That wraps up 2014 and I promise moving forward to write more about the important stuff and leave the other stuff behind me!